Why - substance abuse

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My substance abuse began with alcohol and has developed into the addiction of everything from pills to cocaine and mdma to heroin. 

I’ve always been insecure and felt I was not good enough physically, mentally and socially.

ALcohol gave me confidence, cocaine and adderall helped me lose weight and stimulated my mind.  I turned to heroin to help me connect with the wrong people.

Drugs and alcohol used to be a way to increase my self esteem and fix my flaws, but now they are a part of who I am and my lifestyle. Now I am stuck.

I love my mania.  I am not an aggressive psycho manic, I am excited, peppy and fun.  I am creative, outgoing and put everyone around me in a great mood. 

I like to think that when I am manic, I am the equivalent of a stable person on the perfect amount of molly, adderall and coke.

As much as I love my mania, that is when the damage happens.  I am impulsive, dont sleep, and look for drugs to keep me going and help me come down.  At the time, this doesn’t seem like an issue because I feel unstoppable.

I know I can’t function realistically as a full blown manic girl.  Well, maybe if life was a never ending party….but it’s not and I do have to work at some point.  I hate that mood stabilizers take so much of my awesome qualities away while they get me stable. 

Fuck Depakote

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What I am prescribed to take everyday:

4mg Xanax (2 stix), 150 MG Lamictal, 100 MG Topamax, 10 MG Abilify, 100 MG Trazodone

Other pills I take daily:

Several 30 mg adderall IR, several 30 mg Oxycodone

Sometimes I take:

Klonopin, Molly capsules, ambian, zoloft, phentermine

Used to be prescribed:

Depakote, geodon, zoloft, wellbutrin, attarax, gabapentin, seroquil, vicodin, adderall, cymbalta, clonodine,

justpillheadshit
Xanax make me blackout worse then a night of long island iced teas and tequila shots.  Xanax is way more sneaky about it.  A few months ago I was taking 4 stix before going to the office in the morning everyday.  I was completely functioning (for the most part), but when someone would ask me about a project I had worked on the day before, I was completely confused.  You expect to blackout when drinking, and putting the pieces together the morning after drinking is fun.  Xanax make me blackout whole days out of nowhere.  The worst part is the scavenger hunt to find your pills the next day. I will always love feeling sticky and xantastic is the office though.

Xanax make me blackout worse then a night of long island iced teas and tequila shots.  Xanax is way more sneaky about it.  A few months ago I was taking 4 stix before going to the office in the morning everyday.  I was completely functioning (for the most part), but when someone would ask me about a project I had worked on the day before, I was completely confused.  You expect to blackout when drinking, and putting the pieces together the morning after drinking is fun.  Xanax make me blackout whole days out of nowhere.  The worst part is the scavenger hunt to find your pills the next day. I will always love feeling sticky and xantastic is the office though.